Touched by Angels

Being an extrovert, going on a silent retreat was a relatively daunting task, as there was a part of me that craved interactions and activities.

Sitting still was a challenge for me.

On top of that, being in silence and disconnecting from the very noisy world we live in coupled with sitting with my own thoughts were pretty intense.

So prepped with my fitness gear, an exercise regime and several spiritual books, I embarked on a seven-day overseas silent retreat in November 2022, a retreat that I had been long awaiting since the past year.

“All set and ready, here I come Jesus”, I thought to myself.

The First Morning

On my first morning, I eagerly got up bright and early to run! 30 minutes into it, my left ankle started to hurt. It wasn’t a fall or a sprain, but the pain lingered. Bewildered and distraught, I limped my way back to the retreat centre wondering how it all happened.

I had no answer to the hurting ankle though I knew I had to remedy it quickly. I went to the nearby pharmacy and got an ankle guard, ankle wrap, and an ice pack. The pharmacist also left me with strict advice to limit my walking and to apply the ‘RICE’ method (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation) on my left ankle.

“There goes all the plans! What’s gonna happen in the next six days?”, I thought.

Overwhelmed, I prayed for the pain to go away soonest. I was saddened at the thought of not being able to exercise nor take long walks during this retreat. Comforting myself, I ditched the fitness plans and did short walks around the retreat centre.

Helpless and Fearful

I crumbled! I lost count on the number of times I sobbed helplessly in fear wondering what to do next and how to help myself over the simplest tasks like standing up from my bed, getting myself to the bathroom, rummaging for Panadol, and even getting food and drinks from the pantry a few doors down the corridor. An umbrella accompanied me through each task as I inched my way around dragging my leg.

The next morning, the pain continued to persist, the swelling got worse. I was distressed and utterly helpless. My frustrations grew. I was devastated that I had sustained an injury on a retreat that I’ve waited so long for.

Never have I felt so alone. Never have I been so desperate for help. Then I remembered that God will never forsake me especially since I was on a retreat intentionally wanting to seek Him.

The same words Jesus called out to his Father in his dying moments rang out to me as I sat in the foreign hospital feeling totally weak and powerless. I could no longer do this alone.

The uncertainty of completing the retreat and needless to say, much skepticism of traveling home hopping on crutches through transit flights had all seemed so impossible. My usual strong front began to crumble, I realised how weak and vulnerable I was.

As I awaited my appointment, I grew hungry. Feeling pathetic, I thought to myself that it would be impossible to get food in this unfamiliar place. Then, I recalled my Spiritual Director left me with a loaf of banana cake to eat along the way.

“Thank goodness for this cake!”, I thought.

As I nibbled on the cake, I was sad that my precious time with Jesus had been compromised. I honestly felt that God had abandoned me after tremendous efforts of setting aside this time with Him.

A Realisation

It suddenly dawned on me how God was present through the gift of the cake and the efficiency and professionalism of the first class medical care provided to me in a foreign hospital.

Being conscious of God’s presence, I saw the face of Jesus through the many staff I encountered: porters, nurses, radiologists, physiotherapists, doctors, admin workers, even the cab drivers too. Jesus was EVERYWHERE! Through their smile, their compassionate care. It all made me feel safe and taken care of!

After returning to the retreat centre, I felt like I had completed a 10km run even though I hobbled for a mere 200 metres.

The new found joy had all but diminished. The weight of my injury dawned on me and it felt like I had an uphill task ahead. “With both hands on my crutches, how do I fulfil my daily duties, like simply grabbing water from the cooler or making a cup of coffee?”

But… there was only one thing that came to my mind!

“Now that I’m back at the retreat centre, let’s continue the retreat and contemplate on this injury.”

Evening came, I arrived extremely early for Mass and sat in the chapel silently.
After Mass, the silence broke and several reached out to me. These retreatants were concerned when they saw me on crutches.

One of them shared, “Moving forward, please bang on my door if you need anything. Just bang till I get up.”

I felt consoled! I felt safe that I’m back in a good place where I could count on someone if I needed help again.

A Revelation

There was something about that phrase that moved me and got me pondering. For I never once considered that I could be an instrument to allow another to experience Jesus through the act of helping me. Though more importantly, needing ‘help’ also allowed me to experience the love of God through others.

It was comforting to realise that this injury revealed certain things that I was previously unaware of. To come to accept that I’m incapable of relying on my own strength, but through an open heart did God’s outpouring love and mercy filled me overwhelmingly. By accepting help, I accepted love! I accepted that God truly loves me and wants to love me, and all I had to do was say “Yes!”

Touched by Angels

Pathway to Accommodation

Meditations

Swollen ankle with walking aid

Banana cake gifted by Spiritual Director (SD)

With hospital wheelchair porter

The 200-metre hobble

Coffee by neighbour. Little joys!

Michelle with her kind neighbours and SD (extreme left)

Stories in the COTTyard

Encountering God | Sharing Stories | Spreading Love

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