70 Days in the Wilderness
This season of Lent has been a unique one for me as I have been spending more than 40 days in the confines of my home, away from the usual hustle and bustle of everyday life, recovering from an ankle surgery.
Read related post: ‘Touched by Angels’.
Back to Reality
Returning home, the ankle MRI scans revealed a broken cartilage which required surgery and a lengthy period of recovery which included two phases:
1. Strictly no weight bear on operated foot;
2. A gradual weight bearing phase.
A full recovery back to proper functionality can vary between three to six months.
MRI Film of Injured Ankle
Day 0: Day of Surgery
Kudos to my surgeon who took great care of me
The Road to Recovery
Post surgery, each passing day was frustrating as I was either hopping on crutches or wheeling myself around on a wheelchair. The pain of not being able to move freely, accompanied with a lack of sleep, a lack of social interactions and a loss to my freedom, took its toll on me.
Recovery back at Home
I felt shackled. It was cumbersome and discouraging. With the temporary impairment, I had to rely on others for simple day-to-day tasks. Though I had help from those close to me, the journey was no bed of roses. I truly underestimated the recovery of ankle surgeries and in general, orthopaedic surgeries.
Grateful for all the help from family and friends
As time went on, the physical challenges were made worse by an inward vacuum which I couldn’t comprehend. During this time, a priest shared with me,
“Oh, you might as well do your Lenten retreat… you will rise again just in time for Easter.”
In the literal sense, yes I would be up on both feet in time for Easter though I pondered deeper into the meaning of his statement.
“How should I ‘rise’ again at Easter with an inner conversion of heart?”
“What is God saying to me in this season?
Eucharistic Minister bringing homebound Communion
Returning back to Mass
At Ash Wednesday Mass, I was wheeled to the wheelchair users zone in the Church hall. It was at this moment that I realised that those around me were mostly the elderly or physically challenged.
The entire Mass experience was an unusual one for me. Firstly, I could barely see what was happening at the sanctuary as I was blocked by the standing congregation and secondly, Communion was brought to us at the wheelchair zone. During Communion, the elders beside me had their palms wide opened and raised up high, as we waited patiently for the Body of Christ.
There was something tender and precious about that image which caught my attention and got me pondering. Their yearning for the Eucharist increased my yearning and desire for Jesus too. I thirst to rediscover Jesus!
While undergoing my own sufferings, I could now empathise with another’s sufferings. Not only did I understand the challenges and difficulties faced by those who are physically challenged, I also grew to have a greater appreciation for the marginalised.
Gradually, I grew inspired to spend this Lent contemplating further on God’s message for me in this season. It couldn’t have been more timely to realise that my previous 7-day silent retreat had been lengthened to a good 70 days, with the bulk of it falling through Lent.
The Way of Suffering
In Lent, most of my contemplation was spent meditating on the Passion of Christ which expresses the unconditional love of Jesus dying on the cross for mankind. Beyond the act of a sacrificial love, I was drawn to ponder deeper into the torturous path Jesus had walked.
Via Dolorosa, often referred to as “The Way of Suffering”, is the route Jesus walked to His crucifixion. As I mulled over “The Way of Suffering” that Jesus courageously walked on despite the persecutions suffered and the anguish of shouldering the heavy cross, it was agonising to picture.
A scene from the movie ‘The Passion of the Christ’
Being fully God and fully man, Jesus understood suffering, pain and weakness. And He humbly accepted help from Simon of Cyrene to bear the weight of the cross with Him. Along the way also came the women who wept for Him feeling real sorrow and injustice for His suffering but Jesus returned with words of compassion.
It rang out to me that despite the pain and sorrow Jesus was in, He thought not for himself but for others, empathising with them.
What more a God who will be able to empathise with my sufferings?
Post-op physiotherapy session with partial weight bear
A Participation of Suffering
Suffering alone has no meaning. By joining my suffering to that of Jesus, I was able to share in Jesus’ suffering (2 Tim 2:3) and participate in redemptive suffering. With every hardship, it was an intentional choice to unite my sufferings with Him.
With this new found understanding, I learnt to be more like Christ. To learn to adopt His heart of great compassion, His committed obedience to His Father’s will, His courage to suffer and overcome temptation and His meekness of being stripped down to nothing, I long to imitate His virtues.
Growing in Likeness of Him
Seeing suffering in a somewhat positive manner came as a consolation and an enlightenment. Being through this experience made it easier for me to pick up my cross and follow Him in His footsteps.
Throughout the past weeks of recovery, I had always been accompanied by family or friends whenever I attended weekend Masses as I felt safer hobbling to Church with someone alongside me.
Friends ferrying me to Church
Unfortunately, on the Fourth Sunday of Lent, I somehow found myself having to attend Mass on my own which did leave me rather concerned. Nonetheless, I got myself a cab and hobbled my way to Church.
During Mass, I began to appreciate the solitude of being alone and just being with God. Without the presence of any familiar faces, it felt safe to bare my sorrows before Him. With nothing to hide, my emotions surfaced. I wept. I was an empty vessel filled with His love and grace once again.
At the end of Mass, I booked a hitch ride for a mere $6.“That’s a blessing!”, I thought to myself as it is usually challenging to book a hitch ride.
An Unexpected Encounter
As I entered the back seat of the driver’s car, he greeted me with these words,
“How nice that you attended Mass and someone came to pick you up!”
I was puzzled and responded, “Huh?!”
At this moment, he shared about the dilemma he was in when he first saw my booking.
“I really struggled trying to decide if I should pick you up. For a $6 ride, it didn’t seem worth it to detour over. But I was wrestling with this need to give you a lift.”
He eagerly shared,
“So when I arrived at church and saw you standing there with those crutches, I immediately knew why I had to come and I’m so glad I came! The prompting was pretty strong and I just knew I had to pick this person up. I am comforted that I answered God’s call. Praise God!”
Baffled. Dumbfounded. Totally moved. I was a mixed bag of emotions! Left speechless, I was in awe. All this time, this driver had no clue on the internal conversation in my mind. So I was considering for a split second if he had some super power that could sense what was going on. Scepticism aside, I recognised immediately that it was God and the Holy Spirit working through him!
The driver continued to share about the mystery of how God works and the need to trust Him.
“God is with you! He heard you so don’t worry. He already sent me to ferry you. Not only to watch over you but also to share this testimony with you.”
The final words he left me with were that the prayers of my family and church members who had prayed for me during this journey had all been heard by God. And once again, he had no clue that my parish community and family had offered prayers for my recovery.
Wow! To witness how powerful and real God is, working through random strangers is surely a testimony that He is truly present. What a wonderful and mysterious God we have!
Rejoicing in Suffering
Having once felt crushed under the weight of my cross, this encounter has definitely affirmed me that Jesus is ever present walking alongside me. It is hopeful to witness that Christ understands how I feel and that I am not alone.
My suffering when united with Him, now means Life. The trials and tribulations allowed me to grow in humility to rely not on myself but on God’s providential graces.
Suffering has certainly taken on a whole new meaning! And I can safely say that I am now rejoicing in the mystery of suffering. For I’ve grown stronger in faith and a greater appreciation of the mystery of suffering.
Rising to Life
As this season of Lent comes to a close, I am eight weeks into my recovery with both feet on the ground. By the grace of God, I am taking each step forward patiently learning to walk again. As I walk, I know that God is walking with me.
More rehabilitation… Walking more and more each day!
And as we await His resurrection this Easter, I desire to be more Christ-like. I truly believe that the victory of the cross will bring us through ANY suffering we encounter. For Jesus Christ is ever so present in our lives, empathising with our crosses and never forsaking us.
Thank you for the Cross, Lord!
Michelle Sandra
p.s. I am super grateful to my family, my close friends and the many people of my home parish, Church of the Transfiguration who have reached out assuring me of their prayers which I believe were eventually answered. Thanks be to God for the beauty of this community that has lightened the burden of my cross. Amen!
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